If You’re Doing Most of the Talking, You’re Losing

Stop pitching, start uncovering: talk less, learn more, and build real influence.

Some time ago, as we prepared to launch a new student system at the University of Georgia, the stakes were sky-high. Fifteen years earlier, UGA had shifted from a quarter to a semester system, leaving behind layers of fragmented records. Every buried inconsistency surfaced at once, and thousands of student records required painstaking manual fixes. We had to be live soon so students could register, or we’d face a six-month delay and millions in added costs. There was no margin for error.

Tension was thick, especially around a consulting project manager known for being rigid and dismissive. With my ERP experience, I did a lot of talking, explaining that these problems and the intense pressure were just part of the process. I dismissed concerns instead of hearing them. But after witnessing the behavior firsthand, I realized I was wrong. I stopped talking and started listening, meeting with each critical stakeholder openly and without defensiveness. Once I truly heard them and apologized, the path forward was clear: we replaced the consultant.

In today’s dispatch, I talk about how influence is formed through listening, not talking. That moment of listening and the apology rebuilt trust, released tension, and gave us the energy to meet our deadline. Students registered on time, and the team emerged stronger because they finally felt seen and heard.

Why it matters

We’ve been trained to think that if we talk more, pitch harder, explain longer, justify louder, we’ll get what we want. But in negotiation, every extra word costs you leverage. Successful bargaining doesn’t start with dominating the conversation; it starts with listening deeply to understand, then basing your response on that understanding. Influence isn’t about pushing your agenda louder, it’s about using what you learn to shape the outcome on your terms.

As Chester Karrass said, “In business as in life, you don’t get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate.” Karrass, known for teaching structured bargaining tactics and the importance of adapting negotiation styles, believed success came from strategic preparation and patience. Chris Voss, the former FBI negotiator, pushes further: “The art of negotiation is not about convincing, it’s about uncovering.” Voss focuses on tactical empathy and finding hidden “Black Swans” that shift power. Both remind us that you don’t win by talking more, you win by listening deeply, uncovering real motives, and responding from true understanding.

If you’re doing most of the talking, you’re not uncovering anything. You’re broadcasting your playbook, revealing your pressures and priorities before you even understand theirs. Every word you add hands them more insight into your position while robbing you of the chance to discover what really matters on their side.

The problem with talking too much

When you talk too much, you don’t just leak your strategy, you hand your counterpart their own Black Swans on a silver platter.

• You reveal your priorities, pressures, and hidden thresholds that they can exploit.

• You show eagerness, signaling your urgency and giving them leverage to slow-play or squeeze you.

• You fill valuable silence that could have drawn out critical information from them instead.

You can’t influence what you don’t understand. And if you’re the one constantly talking, you’re not uncovering; you’re gifting them the insight they need to control the negotiation.

Ask yourself: Are you repeatedly justifying or over-explaining? Do you rush to fill every silence? Do you leave the room with no new insights into their constraints, fears, or hidden goals? If so, you’re not negotiating; you’re monologuing, and you’re handing over control without even realizing it.

What master negotiators say about influence

For Chester Karrass, negotiation is a process of strategic patience. You’re not trying to out-argue; you’re trying to out-learn. If you jump to justify or defend, you lock yourself into positions before you even understand theirs. Concessions and creative options only emerge when you observe, listen, and let the other side reveal their true shape first.

Chris Voss, the former FBI negotiator, takes it further. His strategy centers on tactical empathy and the relentless hunt for Black Swans: those unexpected pieces of information that dramatically shift leverage. Tools like mirroring and labeling are designed to draw these out without aggression. Silence becomes a high-pressure tactic, forcing the other side to fill the space and expose critical truths.

Black Swans might be a hidden budget ceiling, an unspoken deadline, or internal politics. If you’re talking, you’re too busy performing to notice them. If you listen, you might uncover the single detail that flips the entire negotiation in your favor.

Calibrated questions: your quiet power

Silence only works when paired with the right questions:

• “How would we make that work?” moves them into your problem-solving orbit.

• “What about this is most important to you?” exposes deeper motives.

• “What does success look like for your side?” reveals the real finish line.

These questions reveal unexpected truths, such as hidden deadlines, internal pressures, unspoken fears, or real decision-making power dynamics. The more they talk, the more options you gain to shape the outcome on your terms. The quieter you stay, the more they reveal, and the more you can guide the negotiation.

The bottom line

Silence isn’t awkwardness. It’s leverage. When you stop performing and start listening, you uncover Black Swans — the hidden truths that shape outcomes. Next time you feel the urge to keep talking, stop. Ask. Listen. The less you say, the more you learn. And what you learn might be exactly what flips the deal your way.

Challenge for your next meeting: Ask three open-ended questions before making a single big statement. Listen long enough to find your Black Swan. Influence isn’t accrued by responding cleverly, but by understanding first.